If odd pregnancy symptoms didn’t drive you to frantically scour the “baby boards” for advise, the days following your new baby’s return from the hospital are sure to do so. Once you leave behind the comfort of the hospital, with its teams of knowledgable and friendly faces, and head home with your sweet new addition, you realize with a sinking, brink-of-panic feeling that you have no idea what you’re doing. Enter, Google.

You know what I’m talking about, right moms? I do know for certain I’m not alone in this behavior as I’ve read plenty of threads on BabyCenter of moms seemingly in the same boat.  I did it with my first daughter two years ago as a first time mom. When I recently gave birth to my second child, another little girl, I was confident I had left that behavior behind me. After all, I was an experienced mom now, right? Been there, done that and (probably) already Googled it. Wishful thinking! The old saying “every baby is different” turns out to be spot on – and what this means for even a seasoned mom is that you likely once again be confronted with the reality that you have no idea what you’re doing.  The problem with Googling your way to baby-rearing answers is that you’re sure to get further confused by the myriad “solutions” you find on baby message boards and the like, and actually run the risk of encountering some downright bad/incorrect advice along the way.

Since there doesn’t seem to be a “Ridiculous Google Searchers Anonymous,” I’m viewing this post and something of a cleansing-  an embarrassing admission of desperate, sleep-deprived behavior. Perhaps by sharing my history of (recent) ridiculous google searches, I will somehow lessen my compulsion to google my way to peace of mind.

At the very least, if you’re reading this and can relate, you’ll know you’re not alone.

Ridiculous Search #1: “2 Day Old Baby Sleeping Too Much”

Oh, how I long to go back in time and give myself a good shake.  I actually googled this. I hadn’t even left the hospital yet and there I was, complaining to Google that my little angel was sleeping…TOO…MUCH. Turns out, newborn babies sleep a ton, some of them up to 20-22 hours a day. Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth, ladies. Enjoy it. I should have.

Ridiculous Search #2: “Baby Grunting a Lot”

Other versions of same search “Why baby grunting”  ” Causes of baby grunting” “How to stop baby grunting” . What did the magical google reveal? Turns out, babies grunt. A Lot. Many seem to do so for no apparent reason. Trying to “cure” them of grunting is akin to stopping them from farting. Which leads to me…

Ridiculous Search #3: “Really loud baby farts”

Yes, I googled this. What did I hope to learn? Who really knows. Perhaps simply that my delicate little flower of a baby was “normal” and other angelic newborns are equally gross in their gassy noises. Check and check. The problem with going down this google rabbit hole, in the end, is that you stumble across some posts for people insisting that their baby’s grunting and gas was a symptom of reflux, allergies or some other “cause”. That may well be true, but give your pediatrician a ring and let her tell you what to really look for and do. I promise it will lead to less stress in the long run.

Ridiculous Search #4: “1 (and 2, and 3) week old baby waking up every hour”

Turns out, they do. Or some do. And nothing is wrong with that! Except, that is, for the inevitable sleep deprivation that it leads to for you as you wade through these sleepless nights and sleepy days. The solution is not to be found in the all-knowing google, but in some compassionate friends, neighbors and husbands who offer to step in and relieve you during the day so that you may catch  up on a few zzz’s.  As with everything baby-related, this too shall pass. And asking Google when that happens is just bound to lead to disappointment if your baby takes longer than the moms who shared their own experiences on the latest message board thread.

Ridiculous Search #5: “3 month old sleep regression”

Unfortunately, this particular search occurred just yesterday. Zoe turned 3 months this past week and seems to be celebrating by forgetting how to sleep at night. What did I hope to learn by googling this? I think I was looking for some ray of hope that a 3 month regression is “a thing” and it would end after a specific number of days. Did I find this? Nope. In fact, it seems like 4 months is a more common age for a regression. What does that really mean? That what I’m experiencing with Zoe isn’t real (and exhausting?). Nope, it is. Does it mean that she’s bound to regress again at 4 months? Nope, not that either. I didn’t learn a darn thing because there really isn’t anything to learn. As with everything baby-related, it’s just a phase and we’ll get through it when she’s darn well ready to get through it.

Have I learned my lesson? Probably not. But before you pick up your phone to type your baby’s latest behavior into google, consider what you hope the mystical google will tell you – and whether you might be better served to hear it from a friend, relative or physician instead.

What about you? Fess up! What baby or pregnancy silliness have you Googled lately?